Find hilarious quotes from Daniel Tosh,Discover 74 Daniel Tosh famous and rare quotes

Find hilarious quotes from Daniel Tosh,Discover 74 Daniel Tosh famous and rare quotes

daniel tosh quotes

Daniel Tosh is a comedian and television host from West Germany. He is most famous for his outlandish stand up routines and his highly popular show.

“Am I getting smart with you? … how would you know? ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.” – daniel tosh quotes

“By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman. ” – daniel tosh quotes

“Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker”? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I’d be like, “Hey, so I guess I’ll see you later,” and he’s, like, “Whatever, queer”. That’s a hate crime! ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.”     – daniel tosh quotes

“Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. ” – daniel tosh quotes

“Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'”   – daniel tosh quotes

“How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I can say that. I have a television show.”  – daniel tosh quotes


“I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. ” – daniel tosh quotes

“I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so… I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.” – daniel tosh quotes

“I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they’re slimy, even though we know they’re not.”   – daniel tosh quotes


“I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I started my own foundation. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s called ‘Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house… ”   – daniel tosh quotes

“I’m all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake…We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?” – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house…”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm gonna be cremated from the neck down. Yeah, then at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience, and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits, or you have to start the whole service over. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm not honest, but you're interesting. (responding to "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.")”  – daniel tosh quotes

“I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' ”  – daniel tosh quotes


“It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they’ve been good to me.” – daniel tosh quotes

“It's funny… you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing… the line you are not to cross.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“It's not a stereotype if it's always true.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! ” – daniel tosh quotes

“It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens…before they were pregnant.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.”  – daniel tosh quotes

“She's playing with a dead squirrel, or what white trash call fur coat Barbie. A real Barbie might give her an eating disorder, but at least she won't get full blown rabies. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say,"Hey, at least I'm not regnant ” – daniel tosh quotes

“Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.” – daniel tosh quotes

“That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny …' ”  – daniel tosh 


“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”   – daniel tosh quotes

“The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“You are a sick freak who should be beaten.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting! ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable! ”  – daniel tosh quotes

“You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.”   – daniel tosh quotes

“You should never eat when you’re on the toilet. “But I’m lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.” – daniel tosh quotes

“You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.”  – daniel tosh quotes

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